15 weeks post op
First, let me say, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE! And to those hippies-in-waiting - let me tell you, IT'S WORTH IT!

Well, I am a 51 year old female and am now 15 weeks post/op my left THR. As most of you will remember, I think I hit the all-time low as being the most terrified, depressed pain-ridden crippled up person I had the misfortune of knowing - and I whined and whinged and cried as I researched and posted my way thru 3 1/2 months of waiting for my operation. I had no idea that joint deterioration could cause such excrutiating muscle pain and I now know that I will NEVER EVER EVER joke again about "oh, its just a bit of arthritis kicking up!!!"

I was utterly terrified going into the operation and was firmly convinced that I wasn't going to survive it! Then, the next 7 days in hospital were the longest, loneliest, stressful, most frightening and depressing pain-filled days and nights I have ever experienced. My husband and I are very close and being separated from him for all that time, most of the day (except for a bit of visiting time) and all night for that week was the worst for me, especially when I needed his closeness and love and support the most. I just wanted to be held, especially at night! Neither of us were are at all happy with that situation. I don't understand why people have to be separated from their best support when they really need it most. Doesn't make sense!

And it didn't help that I was in a room with a chronic patient whose problems and odours seriously affected my ability to concentrate on my own healing. I had 3 different crying jags from improperly controlled surgical pain and this time period made me really wonder why I had gone thru with this operation and what had I done to myself??!! I must admit, for all that I had educated myself technically on what to expect, I had no idea of the emotional backlash this operation was going to cause me. Nothing prepared me for any of that. Nor did I expect to feel very alienated from my new hip - I felt I had become a cyborg or some such thing and worried constantly about infection or dislocation and fretted about restrictions.

The first 6 weeks of surgical pain, staples, walkers, restrictions, partial weight-bearing, aching hands and arms and neck from walker, being confined to home and bed in the living room, sleeping only on my back and with a pillow between my legs, and dealing with Home Nurses, Physios and Blood Testers and the anti-blood clotting Coumadin and needles for blood-tests drove me batty with frustration and more pain! THIS THR STUFF AIN'T NO CAKEWALK! BUT... all this stuff isn't forever and six weeks only SEEMS like forever at the time... believe it or not, you DO get better!

I am lucky, however, in that I generally heal quickly from any tissue damage. So, at my 6 week mark, I was ok'd to go to cane as much as I felt I could and start some PT. I could now even drive!!! HAPPY DAYS! FREEDOM!!! It was nice to get off the painkillers for awhile. AND I was started to see a light at the end of the tunnel - as I started getting around on my own, I realized, the only pain now is that of abused muscles while they heal - NOT arthritis pain! Hmmm... maybe this operation was not such a bad idea, after all!

The next few weeks have passed basically without incident - I keep up the PT, go to pool exercise therapy (oh, but that warm pool is SOOOO nice!) and do some cycling on my stationary recumbant bike. I can now sleep on my back, stomach, and right side (often without pillow now, but sometimes with, just for support if op leg is tired). However, I find if I try to sleep on op side, the bed seems to be too hard and I feel like the bones or the implant are digging very painfully into the operated muscles and I very quickly roll off the hip sort of half onto side, half onto stomach. So, slowly, the left leg is strengthening but the incision (9.5 inches long and running sort of diagonally vertical down my leg) still feels a degree or two warmer than the surrounding flesh and occasionally the incision actually stings! (MY GP said that this is due to the electrical impulses of the synapses of the severed nerves trying to grow back together and sort of "shorting out" till they actually connect! Weird explanation but - seems to fit!)

Well, now I'm finally beginning to get over my heebie-jeebies about this strange thing in my body. When I looked at my first xrays with this thing there in place of my bone, it shocked the heck out of me - and REALLY bothered me emotionally for several weeks. With my second xrays, I actually took a digital photo of my xrays, and downloaded it onto my PDA and every so often I look at it - sort of to get used to it. Morbid, eh? but the method seems to be working. It does help that my OS has been ecstatic with my improvement at each of my checkups and is thrilled at the way the implant has settled in with no apparent problems.

I still get some front thigh and quads pain and it aches a lot when I get tired - but now that I'm going to back to work in my job as a real estate agent, I think it will get more and more natural exercise and hopefully will steadily improve. AND I can walk on that leg with NO arthritic pain!

The fly in the ointment? My right leg took such a beating from having to be the sole support for so long, that it, too, has deteriorated rapidly enough that I'm back on the Celebrex and painkillers. This has depressed me enough that, in conjunction with the previous pain and depression problems, I am now having to take anti-depressants just to get by. Does NOT thrill me, but, then again, neither do crying jags and pain and suicidal depression appeal to me, either! DANG, but I wanted a few pain-free months to enjoy my new hip before I had to worry about the other one, and that ain't happening. I feel really ripped off about that!

Good thing? Now that I see that the THR works, and my surgeon did such a good stable job on me, that I've already asked her to review my case for doing the right hip. However, she is adamant that she won't even consider the right one until my 6 month post-op check up (early March/04) convinces her that the left THR is strong enough to take the strain for the right leg without loosening! Sensible precaution - she knows I won't sit still for long! But I'm now suffering excrutiating pain again, in the groin and right hip joint and am back to waddling and lurching and having all the usual difficulties getting up and down from chairs, cars, toilets, beds, etc. The pain has me depressed and crying again, many times, and is continuing to interfere in ability to do my job. And now I'm really suffering financially as well as physically, mentally and emotionally.

So, I fully relate to and understand all of you WHO WANT YOUR LIFE BACK! and not be a cripple anymore! The only thing I can say is, as long as you wait, you will continue to be a cripple and suffer mentally, physically and emotionally, and probably financially as well. The hardest decision of your life will be to say to your doc "Go for it" and NOT chicken out at the last minute. The day they call you with a firm operation date, you'll feel like you've been gut-kicked and *utted at the same time. But if you DO "Go for it" you've got a chance at the brass ring - a real good chance given how common this operation is now. As far a major surgery goes, this operation has been performed so many times and is so well documented, and researched and fine-tuned, that all the professional players involved are very familiar with it and there are very few surprises for either you or your medical supporters.

This operation is different for everyone - while some of my in-hospital experiences still give me nightmares, this is not true for everyone, in fact, not for most people. Also, many post-op sitations are much less frustrating and more fullfilling and lots of people are up and about a lot sooner that me.

There is one good thing about this disease - its not fatal and its not contagious - and, while not yet totally curable, as least there is a solution for the problems.

I hope this helps others - it helps me just to write it down somewhere.

Mon Sep 15 to Sun Sep 22/03
Hospital stay - will update this BLOG from my written notes as I can - wish that we could go back and insert entries where we want them!

Wed Sep 24/03: Summary notes
"Vampire" in today (that's what I call the Lab Techs who are sent in to draw blood samples) - I think she's damned incompetent and it took her four different tries before she finally got the blood sample! Left me in severe distress and crying my eyes out for the pain and discomfort. I damn well TOLD her I have small veins and they collapse easily and I told her how they used a hot compress on me in the hospital but she just didn't want to take the time to make the patient comfortable. She's supposed to come again on Friday - we'll see how she does then - if no better, I'm refusing to have her do me again. It's too bad I've got to take this Coumadin stuff to avoid blood clots - they have to keep checking trying to get the level to a "2" and it's currently at 1.8. Maybe this time it will be up there and then I only need this once a week! And in a week or 2 I can get into a car and go to the lab, where there are better Techs. And, to add insult to injury, we had to pay $15 for the home visit!!! Huh!
Otherwise, Carol here till 1:30pm, then she had to go to work, Barry came home to stay the rest of the day.
Stayed on daybed in LR again today - feel pretty good, might try stairs and sleep upstairs tonite in our own bed!

Tues Sep 23/03: summary notes
Found myself quite happy to stay in LR on daybed for the day - thought I'd be restless but found that "scuzzing" and lazing around was quite acceptable! Home care nurse came to change dressing - seems everything is looking pretty great - no infections, no leakage or drainage, no discolouration - super! Staples to come out Mon Set 29th.

Girlfriend Carol (we just worked out that we've been friends for half a lifetime - 25 yrs!!! - we often call each other sister to avoid confusion at times)is coming over to stay with me for a few days. As I got out of hospital earlier than Barry expected, it sort of threw his work plans quite a bit - so he's happier if she here and he can go to work - someone can "do" for me if I need stuff passed to me, or whatever. He'll be in better shape time-wise to stay with me next week - which is fine, as I'm sleeping most of the time anyway or jsut getting up long enough for bathroom trek or to eat - so I'm not much good company for him anyway and this way we can enjoy our time together more! Carol seems to like being needed and is enjoying the peace and quiet and the meals that she doesn't have to prepare! So everyone is OK.

Barry changed our easy chairs around, brought his big one downstairs from upper sitting room, took my little one up to sitting room - this way, he can sleep in his big chair (which he does a lot of the time anyway) in the LR with me while I'm on the daybed. He'll switch the chairs around again once I can get upstairs to our bedroom to sleep in our bed together - cripes, I miss that! I really need the feel of him beside me, holding me, keeping the "boogieman" away.

I think this medical system of tearing you away from your family and the support of your loved ones - just when you need it most! - and leaving you with a bunch of strangers in a strange place with strange smells and sounds and people who poke you and wake you and startle you and hurt you with needles and frighten you with medical jargon and actions and pain, pain, pain and no one around who loves or cares for you - I think it just stinks!!! Especially at 4 oclock in the morning when you're hurting, mentally and physically, are lonely and distressed and nobody comes to answer the buzzer. I'm real glad I had the phone, at least I could call Barry and talk to him - better than nothing but I really need him here, holding me, caring and helping. It's helping to make the nightmare of the hospital stay sort of fade.

Mon Sep 22/03: Summary notes
HOME AT LAST! late discharge, nice room and roommate, rainy Monday, wheelchair into wheelchair van (scarey), a bit anxious on ride home in wheelchair taxi on a rainy Monday at rush hour (however, great driver!), wheelchair to driveway, needed walker to get along path (too bumpy for wheelchair), Barry had to be "stair railing" to help me get up steps into house, get in house, get walker, just stood there crying with relief! Poor Barry, thought he'd hurt me coming up steps - couldn't understand the tears of relief! Got into LR and sat on chair - couldn't stop crying and sobbing for almost an hour! Felt DUMB but VERY much needed the release! Had had thoughts sometimes in hospital that I'd never get home again! Stayed downstairs on daybed in LR for rest of evening and all night. Barry slept on foam mattress on floor just so we could be sort of together! What a wonderful man! He's been SUCH a great help!

FINAL 3 DAYS PRE-OP
Sun Sep 14/03 - FINAL DAY PRE-OP

Spend the day packing and unpacking and repacking - don't really know what I'll want/need while in hospital. Hate being bored - don't know how much entertainment stuff to bring.

Spent some quiet time together, I'm awfully scared and very unsure of going thru with this - but I guess I can't back out now and, if its as good as everybody says, don't really want to. Real tired of pain all the time, and being sort of crippled and unable to be independent. Can't do my job right anymore, can't do much at home anymore, just feel like one big goddamned liability to everyone!!! Bloody hell, never thought I would ever come to this - been so independent all my life - I'm the strong one who looks after others - not the other way around! This is purely frustrating! HATE IT!

Wonder how long before I can walk again? Will the op go ok? Will I get up off the table or will there be "complications"? What kind of anaethetic will they use - what about long-term effects? Depression? Leg length difference? How the heck can I walk on a walker without putting weight on the operated leg? Doc says she's doing uncemented so it will be a long time before I can put weight on it. Are my arms strong enough? I can't yet fully imagine how this is going to change me and my life and our life together - I can only hope its the right thing to do. All the risks and the "what if's" are frightening - I could end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Or dead. I know there ain't no guarantees - I can't believe I'm "electing" to expose myself to such danger willingly!!! Am I crazy or what!

Wish I could drink myself into a stupor - but, of course, we can't do that or they'd have to cancel the op if my system full of alcohol poisoning! Hmmm... now, THERE's a concept....

No, not doing that - but interesting thought to fool myself with for awhile.



SAT SEP 13/03: 48 HOURS TO GO!

Did some errands, got my hair cut and coloured (had to scramble to change appt from Mon to Sat!) and had to get false nails removed early - had been intending not to do that till Tues. Just tried to keep busy and not think too much.



FRI Sep 12/03: MORE TESTS! AND A BIG CHANGE!

Long discussion with Psychologist today about the row with Barry - decided not to try to talk to him about it any more at this time - I think he would think I was just attacking him - and to let him process it in his own way at his own pace and just hope that he finally realizes I'm NOT trying to back out for any reason!

Lunch with another real estate friend - very nice - had no idea Barry was going to make himself available to go with me to the hospital for the cardio ultra sound test - he never said anything about it while he was pulling "the silent mode" and I didn't feel like I dared to ask him about it! Anyway, first I know about it, he's calling me, saying he's on his way! At this point, I had to scamble, finish lunch, and meet him at home in time to get to test.

At least we're talking again!

BIG SHOCK! Just as he's coming in the door, I get a call from the OS's assistant to tell me that they've had a double time surgery slot on Monday morning come available and that they are moving me into that time slot from my Wednesday noon surgery time! PANIC CITY!!! So I called to see if my blood would be there and if they'd get the results of today's tests there on time, she said she'd handle it, so .... THERE I AM! Booked for Mon Sep 15th at 10am!! GULP!!

I don't do changes, or shocks well. But, I guess I'm rolling with it.

The really good thing is that my OS can be around for a few days after my surgery as she is booked to go to Chicago on the Thursday and neither she nor I were really happy that she would operate on me on Wednesday and leave on Thursday. I didn't say anything, but she probably sensed it. Once that double slot came available, she specifically asked that I be moved into it! So, I thought that was pretty perceptive of her and I really appreciate the extra bit of hand-holding!

Something else really nice happened too - the anethetic consultant we saw at Pre-Op Clinic actually turned out to be a social acquaintance of ours from our dance studio days, so she's kind of taken me under her wing - got hold of the anethesist (Greg) whose going to be looking after me on Monday, went over with him all my history and all the background stuff I had told her, got my Friday heart test sorted out stat, got my old report about last years operation and my reaction to anaesthetic, and got it all into this Greg's hands along with the verbal story and written report! THEN she called me Friday night at home to tell me she had done all this during the day. I thought that was absolutely terrific that she went so far above and beyond the call of duty. I'm going to suggest to Barry that once I'm done and ok, he get her a bunch of flowers as a thank you from both of us!

However, with date and time change, had to scramble to change hair and nails appointments - wanted hair cut and coloured, and false nails had to be removed! Yipes - didn't think I'd get weekend appts but it all worked out. Amazing, sometimes, how some things fit together great and others just won't happen no matter what you do!

Looks more and more like this is meant to be.

Therapy, tests, and moods Thurs Sep 11/03
Thursday, I went for some Physio Therapy and a hot pool exercising, went to lunch with one of the other gals in the physio, had a nice walk and talk in the local park on the lake, and then met the Dietician and Barry at my real estate office boardroom for about an hour.

Went home, offered supper, got curlty told "I just want to go to bed", got the cold shoulder and sulks and one-or-two word sentences most of the night. He finally deigned came to bed about 3am but there might as well have been an ironing board in the bed between us! Anyway, it sort of slowly eased a bit on Friday, but still sort of into "polite conversation" mode. Damn, I hate this.

Pre-Op Clinic Day Wed Sep 10/03
VERY tiring clinic at OTMH hospital - had to be there at 7:00am, went thru all sorts of interviews, reviews of what it would be like to be a hippie, talks with Nurse, Occup Therapist, Pharmacist, Physical Therapist, Anaesthetist, etc etc etc!!! Was supposed to watch a video, but they screwed up the time, so they gave me the video to take home and watch. WHEN?

Very confusing, tiring, even with all the stuff I already know, it started to freak me out by around noon. I started to have the shakes, which is a sure sign of me over-stressing. Was too anxious to have breakfast in the am, so blood sugar down, anxiety level up and just too much info coming and going!

Hubby and I had lunch in the hospital cafeteria - hope the in-hospital food is as good as the cafeteria stuff - it was pretty good!

Then went to see about booking the private room - no chance, they won't do anything to book till day of surgery! - and, in fact, I might get "randomly picked" to be stuck in a ward of 4 people who get "around the clock" special 24 hour monitoring. Is this a nice way of saying that the ones who have the worst time waking up in recovery get the extra attention? Or that there aren't any other beds available? I don't know, but I'm not at all keen on being alone in a ward of 4 strangers with a bunch of strange nurses poking me all the time, etc., and dealing with the visitors for everyone else, too. Yeah, I know it's selfish but what the hey - this is one time I feel like being VERY selfish! However, like I get a choice, eh??? I mean, I could end up in the hall if there's a rush on rooms due to any big emergency and it's not like I'm going to jump off the bed, pack up and go home, is it???

Just not keen on it if I don't HAVE to be in ward, or even semi-private. I focus inward very much in order to heal and find that when I have to share the energies of others at that time, it frustrates and disturbs me and dilutes my own ability to focus and heal. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but it does to me. And I do this, even on the pain meds - I've done it before and it works real good! Last time got out of hospital 2 days early cause I healed so good so quick!

Unfortunately, a long stressful day, which included blood tests, heart tests, seminar, instructions, and then, later in the afternoon after I came home, rested for about an hour, then I had to go out again for an ultra sound that was ordered as part of my annual physical just to make sure I didn't have any of those nasty little cyst thingies noodling around my right ovary this time, like there was around my left last time. Anyway, that seemed ok, so home again. REAL tired, plopped into easy chair and fell asleep. Barry did likewise.

I woke up before him, decided to call Helen ( my natural mom - another story to be told another day about my being adopted, and then reunited with natural mom) - and she's a bit hard of hearing so I have to speak up and over her sometimes to get her to hear and understand me. Well, I was venting somewhat over the room thing and damned if Barry didn't wake (says my loud vehemence woke him up!) and got real mad at me - figured I was saying that if I couldn't get a private room, well, I'd just call off the operation!!! As If!!! Anyway, big fight, no clear communication evolved, I end up crying my eyes out and he goes into the silent sulks. CRIPES, I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT AND HE SURE COULD HAVE PICKED ANOTHER TIME TO DO THAT TO ME!!!

Catch is, I know the "issue" was not the real "issue" - I think he's as scared as I am, but being "stiff upper lip" and "hold it all in" British type - he's not prepared to let loose and say what's really bothering him. And being tired, stressed out, hungry and startled awake didn't help. He also doesn't understand that venting is just that - venting - and it doesn't mean I'm going to go out do something damn silly - like piss off the caregivers who are going to be responsible for my on-going care! MUCH safer to vent to a mom who is 3000 miles away in Vancouver and who has no control or input into my care and actions!

I wish he understood venting as something necessary to allow me to let off steam safely - and not as an indication that I'm going to be a brat and do and/or say stupid stuff!

Another odd day (AND SPECIAL THANK YOU TO JUANITA)
Well, today was an odd mix of professional and personal with a real estate meeting this morning and hip discussions with my OS this afternoon.

The real estate MLS committee met at 9:30 am and didn't break up until 1:00pm! Man, that was a LLLOOONNNGGG meeting! And, for me, painful to sit there for the whole meeting. But, at least we managed to accomplish a lot as we put a lot of issues down that have been plaguing us for awhile. Also, we can now start testing the new online browser based 'net system to replace our current proprietary dial-up real estate board program - FINALLY!

Anyway, the meeting with the OS was OK but sort of odd - I had thought that at this meeting she would be telling me all sorts of things about the surgery. However, she feels I am the most researched and prepared patient she has ever had and there really wasn't much to discuss! She showed me the recent August/03 xrays of my hips - boy, they are a mess! Arthritis everywhere, almost bone-on-bone in both hips!

Also, we talked about the type of device - she still favours the modular Summit by Dupuy with cross-poly cup and is not so pro the ceramic at this time, as it still has fracture problems. However, with the modular device, the ball and/or cup can be more easily replaced in revision surgery without having to cause invasion and damage to the bone where the stem has grown into the bone. Suits me - she likes how the Summit shape, fit, it tapers, is modular, and has worked well for her. So, whatever works!

Interestingly enough, she says I can choose to change legs at the last minute, if I want, if I think I'll get more relief from having the right one done first - I don't really think so, but I'll have a wee chat with my PT when I go on Thursday for some therapy. But I think that, while the right one is painful, the left is actually seizing up and loosing strength and range of motion - so better to get it done first. Probably a result of carry heavy purses/cases on my left shoulder all my life!

However, I think I will go ahead with the cortizone shot in the right, just for whatever relief it will give, although Dr Brien says it won't help with the deep groin pains, just help reduce some of the daily ache. She was very kind, cheerful, informative, took time with me, didn't push me, let me look at the xrays and come to my own conclusions. Also, she seems to think that I will already know a lot of the things they are going to tell me tomorrow at the pre-op clinic - but I still have to go thru the blood work and the heart tests.

But she still wants me to "be happy about my operation!!!" HMMMPHH! Maybe on the other side when all is done, but right now, I'm NOT happy about having my body invaded, amputated, and artificially enhanced??!! especially with the potential risks involved. How can anyone 'be happy' about major invasive surgery? and the lifestyle change and the loss of income during recuperation and rehab?

Also, she says that, barring unpredicatable emergency, like the blackout, there's really no reason to expect that my surgery will be cancelled. So, that is some relief, anyway (sort of)! Also, as soon as she sees how I'm doing with the left leg healing, she'll see about getting me booked to do the right one and get everything all over with as soon as possible! But she says she is booking 6-8 months in advance!!! So, presuming 6-8 weeks of healing, by mid to late November, she can decide if she needs to set me up with next operation right away, or if taking pressure off the right leg will relieve it for awhile. But, looking at the xrays, and feeling the pain now in the right, a miracle cure ain't likely and another hip replacement is going to be the only solution. So, we are maybe looking at somewhere June to September 2004 for the NEXT operation!!! GAWD, it would be nice NOT to spend a summer fretting about surgery and an autumn recuperating from it! WHEN will this all be over? IS there a light at the end of the tunnel? IS there an end to the tunnel??? The sad part is that the first operation is really just the beginning of a long series of ongoing medical treatments. The device lasts for 10-15 years, maybe a few more if I'm lucky, and I will then need revision surgery to replace it. And who knows where medicine will be at that time?

However, the OS did say something very disturbing - that arthritis can often travel to other parts of the body and cripple something else!!! YIPES! Did NOT need to hear that - so, I'm going to have to do more research and learn what else NOT to eat and what TO eat to maybe give my body a fighting chance and to continue on the weight loss program. And exercise and whatever else will hold this damn disease at bay!!

When did I grow so old? and how did it happen so fast?

However, Juanita, if you ever read this, THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES for thinking of me and giving me your phone number in the hospital to call you!!! You are a blessing and such a wonderful person to be so unselfish to me at such a stressful time for you! Thank you for your reassurances and your help and support. It means so much more to me that you'll ever know! I only hope I can repay the favour in time somehow. Maybe I can pay it forward to help someone else!

Start of the End Sep 8/03
First, it was SUCH good news to see the post on the Board today from Greg that Juanita came thru her surgery ok! That was so encouraging, and just plain super for her! I hope I can talk to her before I go in and congratulate her on her sugical success as well as the reunion with her dtr.

Well, now, for me, starts the beginning of the end! Today was the pre-op physical with my GP, and we decided to turn it into my annual physical since the last one was June '02. So, the verdict is, I'm healthy as a horse if it just wasn't for this OA disease!! Go figure! Humourous moment - I had difficulty standing on the scale for my weight and height measurement - narrow scale, too much pain in my legs to bring them close together so I tended to tremble somewhat while trying to do so. Nurse measures my height at 5' 3 3/4"! I burst into peals of laughter - she & GP are looking at me in total bewilderment and now QUITE convinced that I've lost it - as I said, you know, OA does some pretty weird things to folks but I'll bet it does not ADD an inch to their height - at any time! I've been 5' 2 1/2" since my teens - not that I wouldn't welcome another inch or two - but it just ain't likely!!! So, we agreed I could turn sideways on the scale, and we re-measured - lo, and behold, 5' 2 1/2"!!! WHEEEE!!! You takes your fun where you can!

Anyway, still have to do an ultrasound on Wednesday, not surgery-related, just to ensure that there are no other little nasties lurking in the ovary area, as there was the LAST time I had an ultrasound - which is when they found the suspected ovarian cancer which was really a dermoid cyst in Summer/02. REALLY don't need them to find anything else just at this time now!!!

GP was surprisingly empathetic today - NOT a trait he has shown that much before. Not sure what turned him, however, it may be the fact that I was not as witchy and miserable to him as I've been in previous visits - there must have been times when he felt he was in a corner with a caged tigress! I guess it appears to him that I've resigned myself to this situation of the hip and its surgical solution. Little does HE know!! But there's no point in ripping his head off - he didn't create the disease, just had the misfortune of being the messenger telling me about it. But, they DO shoot messengers, don't they???

However, good added note: GP was VERY pleased that I have lost about 30 lbs since all this hip stuff started about a year ago - says its the best thing I could have ever done and to keep it up - about 40 lbs to go to get to a more presentable, less "chubby" self.

Well, each weekday this week, there is some appointment or other to do with my health and this surgery. GAWD, I will be SO glad when it's ALL over, no matter what the outcome. I am no less nervous or anxious and am still very concerned about how much my life will change, and how much I will, or will not, be able to do in the future.

And how this will change me, my personality, and my relationship with my husband. Will I still be the same person he married? What does he think of me now - what with all the changes to my temper, the depressions, the crying jags, the pain-filled nights that I wake him up just to help me roll over? I tried last night not to wake him while I struggled to move onto my back and put a pillow under my legs - the bedclothes got stuck and I my left leg "caught" and the groin pain was terrible - I started hyperventilating while trying to force the pain back and started to panic. He woke up and, of course, fixed everything in a minute or so. And then gave me heck for getting into the pickle in the first place - "No matter what, just wake me up and I'll help!" Lordy, but I love that man! I'm just so sorry that I went and got this disease and now have to put us both thru all the terrors and anxieties of surgery to fix it.

And I'm scared to death of how this whole thing will affect us - individually, and as a united couple. Will I become more and more dependent and demanding and less able to "do" for myself? What sort of things that we like to do together are now off the list? Will he be "put off" by all the scars all over me? Mentally and emotionally as well as physically? How will we both react once the deed is done and it's irreversible? How will we both feel about it, individually and collectively? Are our expectations realistic? What DO we expect?

How about how long he has to go before we can be intimate again? (Thankfully, he's not the type to stray - we both trust each other fully in that regard - if we couldn't we just wouldn't be together - infidelity is just not our thing!) And how WILL we be able to be intimate in the future? I've read the posts on the Board about sex post-THR but I'm not sure yet how to relate all that to us specifically, and, it won't make a lot of sense until I know what type of procedure is done on me anyway, and what my restrictions will be relative to that particular procedure.

Restrictions - now, there's a word. What kind, how to cope, how to remember? Is this damn hip going to be the centre of attention for the rest of my life? Now I'm going to have to worry about how I move, bend, sit, stand, turn, etc. I'm not supposed to run or jog or bounce, so I guess any type of rhythmic latin dancing, like our favourite Samba, is out. Even bending down to reach in the fridge is going to be a potential dislocation problem.

And for someone who has never paid a lot of attention to her body, now suddenly I'm supposed to be aware of every movement? HOW???!! And also the danger from any kind of infection - including even a simple thing like getting my teeth cleaned. Every time I go from now on, I have to take antibiotics just to prevent any problems from dental bacterial getting into my bloodstream and affecting my artifical hip. WHAT A DRAG!!! and too much antibiotics have their own set of problems!

I can't believe I'm going thru with this operation. It's just such a violation of my body, my life, my ID, --- just of ME! Normally, I'm not prone to the "why me's?" but it's getting awful tempting to start asking that one! Madame God, you and me are definitely going to have one long and strong talk one of these fine days about how my health life crapped out at 50!